guilty
Today was one of the days that mommy guilt completely overwhelmed me. It's something I haven't thought about before having a baby and didn't expect to have to deal with. It all started when Ezra was born. I was planning on a natural birth with minimal intervention. I was getting induced since I had gestational diabetes but was still committed to keep things as natural as possible. Well things didn't go quiet as planned. I ended up getting an epidural since I was already in labor for a few hours and had very strong contractions with very short breaks in between. I had trouble breathing and was throwing up a lot and since I had only progressed to 1.5 cm till then I opted for the epidural. After 2 hours of pushing I agreed to using the vacuum to try and get him out and after that failed Ezra's heart rate dropped and they had to get him out fast after all that pushing it was pretty devastating to get a c-section. For days after that I felt guilty and still do sometimes- He got a haematoma on his head and ended up staying in the NICU for 4 days with persistent jaundice and l felt responsible for it. It was absolutely heart breaking not having my baby in the room with me and barely being able to keep him up during feedings. I know now that in those stressful moments during his birth TJ and I were making the decision we had to make to keep Ezra and myself save but then i felt like it was my fault and that if I would have pushed harder and been stronger things would have been different. Looking back that seems ridiculous knowing that he was just not going to fit.
My mommy guilt continued when I felt overwhelmed (and still do) with the responsibility of taking care of Ezra, keeping the house clean and still being a wife to my husband that is loving and able to carry on a full conversation.
Today morning I felt guilty when the baby woke me up crying and hungry and all I could think about was how I wanted to sleep for another hour. I felt guilty when I had to wake him up from a nap to his 6 month check up. I felt guilty when I fed him a squeeze pouch instead of my organic homemade baby food so we could make it to his appointment on time.I felt guilty when the pediatrician talked about how important it was for babies development to have pretty much no screen time and I remembered how often I have the TV running in the background while Ezra is in the room.
Realizing that I spend a big part of my day feeling guilty about the decisions I make as a Mom made me want to change things. This year I don't want to just take care of myself physically by working out and eating healthy but also emotionally by being kinder to myself and fighting my mommy guilt. i know this is something that won't happen over night but I will have to gradually work on. I decided to draw up 5 points to remind myself that I want to be better to myself as a mom and wanted to share:)
My 5 points to fight mommy guilt
1. Listen to the advice you are given and take what makes sense to you!
As a new parent and especially first time parent I've been getting advice from everyone-often without asking for it...my parents, in-law's, siblings, the ladies at church, friends, neighbors...and the list could go on forever. All those people mean well and only want to help because they know how though it is to be a first time parent ( or at least they think they can help if they don't have their own kids yet). I often felt guilty because I felt like since the advice was given to me I had to take it. Well let me tell you I got so much contradicting advice it's not even funny...let the baby cry it out- don't let the baby cry it out, feed the baby on demand- the baby needs to be on a feeding schedule, hold the baby as much as you want to-don't hold the baby much they will get used to it and you never get anything done... and so on.
Here is the thing you- take from all that advice what makes sense to you! Know that you are your child's parent for a reason and that only you know what is best for them. You know them best and know what could work for them. Sometimes I would apply something somebody told me worked for their child and it would be a disaster with Ezra-a big part of parenting is trial and error and that is totally ok.
2. You need to take time-outs
Being a parent is hard work. You need to take time away from the baby or if you can't do that find time to relax in other ways. Yes naps are a good time to get things around the house done but it is also a good time to sit down with a bowl of popcorn and watch your favourite tv show or to read a book. It's important to take a breather during the day ( or when you get off work) it helps you regain energy and I know it always helps me be the parent I want to be. After a little break I can enjoy Ezra more and direct my attention to him which makes him happier. He is super sensitive to people being upset or stressed around him so it helps when I get a few moments to myself that I allow myself to be unproductive and just do whatever I want to do.
3. Let the babysitter check in with you instead of the other way around
It is still hard for me to leave Ezra with anyone else but family ( which is impossible here since all our family is in WA or Switzerland) and gives me major mommy guilt. I found that if I let the babysitter check in with me it makes me feel a lot better. I ask them to text me pictures or send me a quick message so that I know everything is ok. If I call them and check in on them and they seem stressed or rushed on the phone it makes me feel like something is wrong and we need to go pick him up immediately if they send me a picture instead or a message I know Ezra is content and happy and I can actually enjoy a night out with my hubby.
4. Allow yourself to ditch the to- do list
Before Ezra was born I used to- do lists all the time because it helped me get things done fast and efficiently. Well fast and efficient went out the window with a newborn around. I felt so frustrated because I felt like I wasn't getting anything done. And then the guilt set in - guilt about having a newborn in a messy, guilt about not having laundry done, guilt about not ever having everything clean and put away. I felt like I wasn't providing the environment I wanted to for my baby. It took me a while to realize that if I ditch the to-do list and just do and get done what I can I am much happier. Now I might get 3 loads of laundry washed, folded and put away and on other days the one load i managed to wash doesn't even make it into the dryer and I have learned that that is completely fine. Yes my house is a lot messier than it used to be and it takes me a couple of days to get my cleaning done which only took hours before. But I know it is like that because I spend more time playing with Ezra and caring for him then I do cleaning house and in the end that is the environment I want to provide for him -A loving one. Once I ditched my to-do list I've been able to look at the things I am accomplishing every day instead of looking at all the things that are still left on my list.
5. Go easy on yourself
Trust me I'm the queen of self criticism and this one is tough for me. I've felt guilty every time I've tried something with Ezra that didn't work or I haven't been able to help him when he was frustrated about one thing or the other. Like I said before a lot about parenting is learned by trial and error. Ezra had a time that he wouldn't take a bottle and hubby and I were in dear need of a date night. A friend of mine told me to just be the more stubborn one and eventually he would take it if he would get hungry enough. Well I tried that and let me tell you it was one of the worst night's of my life. He screamed his head off while I was trying to force the bottle on him and when I eventually gave in and tried to breastfeed him he was so upset that it took me over an hour to calm him done enough so he would even latch. The next time I tried to give him a bottle I did two very gentle attempts without forcing it and he took the bottle without any other issues. I learned from that experience to A. pick my battles, B. My son knows exactly what he wants and what not and if I try to force something on him it will only make him resist it even more. I felt bad for days after that night, All I could do though was move on and take what I learned from it and apply it in the future and trust me I'm a firm believer that the not forcing issue with Ezra has saved me a lot of unnecessary stress. It is ok to make mistakes and I'm sure I will still have to make the mistake to try and force things on Ezra that I think are good for him a few times more before we see him off to college. It will only make you unhappy to get stuck with those mistakes instead of moving on. I truly believe that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love others (like we need to respect ourselves before we can expect others to respect us) It doesn't mean that we need to be prideful or value ourselves over others. It means that it is totally fine to cut ourselves some slack some time,
How do you fight mommy guilt? What do you do to be kind to yourself?
My mommy guilt continued when I felt overwhelmed (and still do) with the responsibility of taking care of Ezra, keeping the house clean and still being a wife to my husband that is loving and able to carry on a full conversation.
Today morning I felt guilty when the baby woke me up crying and hungry and all I could think about was how I wanted to sleep for another hour. I felt guilty when I had to wake him up from a nap to his 6 month check up. I felt guilty when I fed him a squeeze pouch instead of my organic homemade baby food so we could make it to his appointment on time.I felt guilty when the pediatrician talked about how important it was for babies development to have pretty much no screen time and I remembered how often I have the TV running in the background while Ezra is in the room.
Realizing that I spend a big part of my day feeling guilty about the decisions I make as a Mom made me want to change things. This year I don't want to just take care of myself physically by working out and eating healthy but also emotionally by being kinder to myself and fighting my mommy guilt. i know this is something that won't happen over night but I will have to gradually work on. I decided to draw up 5 points to remind myself that I want to be better to myself as a mom and wanted to share:)
My 5 points to fight mommy guilt
1. Listen to the advice you are given and take what makes sense to you!
As a new parent and especially first time parent I've been getting advice from everyone-often without asking for it...my parents, in-law's, siblings, the ladies at church, friends, neighbors...and the list could go on forever. All those people mean well and only want to help because they know how though it is to be a first time parent ( or at least they think they can help if they don't have their own kids yet). I often felt guilty because I felt like since the advice was given to me I had to take it. Well let me tell you I got so much contradicting advice it's not even funny...let the baby cry it out- don't let the baby cry it out, feed the baby on demand- the baby needs to be on a feeding schedule, hold the baby as much as you want to-don't hold the baby much they will get used to it and you never get anything done... and so on.
Here is the thing you- take from all that advice what makes sense to you! Know that you are your child's parent for a reason and that only you know what is best for them. You know them best and know what could work for them. Sometimes I would apply something somebody told me worked for their child and it would be a disaster with Ezra-a big part of parenting is trial and error and that is totally ok.
2. You need to take time-outs
Being a parent is hard work. You need to take time away from the baby or if you can't do that find time to relax in other ways. Yes naps are a good time to get things around the house done but it is also a good time to sit down with a bowl of popcorn and watch your favourite tv show or to read a book. It's important to take a breather during the day ( or when you get off work) it helps you regain energy and I know it always helps me be the parent I want to be. After a little break I can enjoy Ezra more and direct my attention to him which makes him happier. He is super sensitive to people being upset or stressed around him so it helps when I get a few moments to myself that I allow myself to be unproductive and just do whatever I want to do.
3. Let the babysitter check in with you instead of the other way around
It is still hard for me to leave Ezra with anyone else but family ( which is impossible here since all our family is in WA or Switzerland) and gives me major mommy guilt. I found that if I let the babysitter check in with me it makes me feel a lot better. I ask them to text me pictures or send me a quick message so that I know everything is ok. If I call them and check in on them and they seem stressed or rushed on the phone it makes me feel like something is wrong and we need to go pick him up immediately if they send me a picture instead or a message I know Ezra is content and happy and I can actually enjoy a night out with my hubby.
4. Allow yourself to ditch the to- do list
Before Ezra was born I used to- do lists all the time because it helped me get things done fast and efficiently. Well fast and efficient went out the window with a newborn around. I felt so frustrated because I felt like I wasn't getting anything done. And then the guilt set in - guilt about having a newborn in a messy, guilt about not having laundry done, guilt about not ever having everything clean and put away. I felt like I wasn't providing the environment I wanted to for my baby. It took me a while to realize that if I ditch the to-do list and just do and get done what I can I am much happier. Now I might get 3 loads of laundry washed, folded and put away and on other days the one load i managed to wash doesn't even make it into the dryer and I have learned that that is completely fine. Yes my house is a lot messier than it used to be and it takes me a couple of days to get my cleaning done which only took hours before. But I know it is like that because I spend more time playing with Ezra and caring for him then I do cleaning house and in the end that is the environment I want to provide for him -A loving one. Once I ditched my to-do list I've been able to look at the things I am accomplishing every day instead of looking at all the things that are still left on my list.
5. Go easy on yourself
Trust me I'm the queen of self criticism and this one is tough for me. I've felt guilty every time I've tried something with Ezra that didn't work or I haven't been able to help him when he was frustrated about one thing or the other. Like I said before a lot about parenting is learned by trial and error. Ezra had a time that he wouldn't take a bottle and hubby and I were in dear need of a date night. A friend of mine told me to just be the more stubborn one and eventually he would take it if he would get hungry enough. Well I tried that and let me tell you it was one of the worst night's of my life. He screamed his head off while I was trying to force the bottle on him and when I eventually gave in and tried to breastfeed him he was so upset that it took me over an hour to calm him done enough so he would even latch. The next time I tried to give him a bottle I did two very gentle attempts without forcing it and he took the bottle without any other issues. I learned from that experience to A. pick my battles, B. My son knows exactly what he wants and what not and if I try to force something on him it will only make him resist it even more. I felt bad for days after that night, All I could do though was move on and take what I learned from it and apply it in the future and trust me I'm a firm believer that the not forcing issue with Ezra has saved me a lot of unnecessary stress. It is ok to make mistakes and I'm sure I will still have to make the mistake to try and force things on Ezra that I think are good for him a few times more before we see him off to college. It will only make you unhappy to get stuck with those mistakes instead of moving on. I truly believe that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love others (like we need to respect ourselves before we can expect others to respect us) It doesn't mean that we need to be prideful or value ourselves over others. It means that it is totally fine to cut ourselves some slack some time,
How do you fight mommy guilt? What do you do to be kind to yourself?
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